Scottholemew's Written Grammar Appendix

This week I was in a lecture in my Business Communications class.  One of our areas of study throughout the semester has been on proper written grammar.  In our discussions, there was always this lingering feeling that the correct way to write anything depended on either who would be reading your work or who was giving you advice on how to write it, but the difference was never really big enough or subjective enough to be of much significance.  Until this week.  In this particular lecture, the professor gave us two completely opposite examples of a phrase and asked us which one was correct.  When she told us the answer she felt was correct, another student in the class pointed out that the author of our particular textbook teaches that the opposite was correct.

I wish I had written down what the exact phrase was, but the moral of the story that I came out of that class with was that written English is completely subjective and it does not matter in the slightest whose rules you are using when writing.  Therefore, I give you:  "Scottholemew's Written Grammar Appendix"

Rule #1:  When writing a number, many often wonder whether it is proper to write out the number in word format, or whether they can just put the number.  I say, write it out IN ALL CAPS.  Additionally, it is appropriate to begin the number with "#" and ending it with an asterisk (*).  It is also recommended to put an explanation of the number at the end of the sentence.

     example:  "I counted #FOUR HUNDRED THIRTY SIX* people at the seminar *436."

Additionally, when the number is being expressed as a measurement, like dollars or meters, it is now appropriate to do it Twitter style, like this:

     "Your payment of (@DOLLARS)#ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED TWENTY SEVEN AND ELEVEN*(@CENTS) is now due *$1,627.11."

Or,

     "Please check your tires every #SIX MILLION(@KILOMETERS)* *6,000,000km."

Rule #2:  In a series of adjectives, why overload a sentence with unnecessary commas?  Just use slashes!  Also, use an ampersand (&) in place of the final slash.

     example:  "I would like to order #THREE*(@POUNDS) of lean/juicy/delicious/fantastic/meaty/beautiful/edible/great/sweet&spicy ground beef, please *3lbs."

Rule #3:  Ever had trouble distinguishing between paragraphs?  Not if you format your paragraphs like this:

Many things are important in life.  Some people think that water is pretty important.  That’s debatable.  Food/clothing/shelter&companionship are equally controversial.  Apparently, the most important thing in life is knowing how to format business reports.  This is the message I seem to be getting in my classes. Good thing I only have #ONE* more report to write in that class *1.

Homework in Conspiracy Theory

I really wish I could make stuff up as good as this.  But when I come across events like the following in real life, it serves as a perfect reminder to all of us that sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.

I was reminded today of a young boy I met in California, about eleven years old, who had a strange theory.  He was absolutely convinced that inflation was being caused by the U.S. Mint.  Now, I've taken a few economics courses in my day and I understand that this is a completely reasonable theory.  The more money you make and print, the higher inflation goes up.  However, the difference between reality and this kid was that the image he had in his mind of what was going on was that our friendly U.S. Mint executives were sitting in their offices, essentially holding down the "Print" button 24/7 in an evil plot to drive up the inflation rate as high as they could as they laugh maniacally and smoke cigars that become more and more expensive by the second.

I could see that this was the idea he had not only because of the possessed, hypnotic look he had in his eyes as he explained this to me, but because his solution was to nuke the U.S. Mint, and he was dead serious about it.  This child looked like he had come straight out of a horror movie and needless to say, he frightened me a great deal.  I was quite relieved to know that I would only once have to try and convince him that Jesus still loves him even though the U.S. Mint was apparently run by Satan himself.

It makes me wonder where children get ideas such as these.  I always thought it was from crazy parents, but some essays I came across at work today made me think that perhaps my junior high school was one of the few schools in the country that did not offer a class on Conspiracy Theory.  Without going into all the painstaking details of the business, in my part-time job I deal with grade-school essays and poems that are sent in for publishing.  My job is to type the entries that have been accepted into the computer.  Now, just because they end up on my desk does not mean that they must be published.  You would not believe some of the strange things that kids come up with these days and a lot of those somehow make it all the way to me.  Today was one of those days.

I began with a packet of entries, most of which had already been entered into the system, three of which were left for me to type.  They were all from 7th-grade students, not much older than the aforementioned demon-child. The first essay started out normally enough, talking about a current event.  Specifically, the oil spill in the gulf.  It didn't take much more than a few sentences for me to realize that this poor girl was severely misinformed.  After claiming that B.P. crashed and "exploded" the oil tanker on purpose, she lost all credibility in my eyes.  She also discussed how B.P. was not actually cleaning up the oil, but would just take it straight out of the ocean as the orders for more oil came in.

She further went on to explain that if Americans did not stop "taking" oil from B.P., we would lose many animal species to extinction like ducks, penguins, seals, "baby belugas," and other such cute sea animals.  I must admit that I've never actually been to the gulf coast, but I'm pretty sure that half of the animals she listed off do not live in the gulf.  Maybe she was talking about other areas that B.P. drills in.  I'm not quite sure why, but she stated something to the effect that since there was oil in the gulf, obviously there was also oil in…the great lakes.  "COINCIDENCE?  I think not."  Let me know if any of you are following her logic there.

Ultimately, her essay was rejected due to the fact that she rambled on way beyond her word limit.  I set it aside and wondered what the brain geniuses from this school could come up with next.  I was not disappointed.

The next essay got off to a rocky start by asking if I was aware how much money the government was stealing from me to fund space exploration.  He explained that they do this by sending random, inexplicable bills for large amounts of money to us.  Have any of you received a one of these bills?  Because he stated this like everyone had been wondering where these mysterious bills had been coming from.  He went on to blame the very act of space exploration for inflation, unemployment, the current state of the government, and natural disasters.  You read that correctly.  If you thought the moon was evil enough for causing the tides, I'll bet you didn't know the hellish chaos being caused by all the satellites and rockets being thrown out into the void.  Specifically, tornadoes and fires.  He wrapped up this brilliant thesis discussing how Americans need to turn back to the concept of popular sovereignty to stop the government from wasting any more money on space exploration.  This essay was also rejected.

Seriously though, where are kids getting this stuff?  I don't know about you but the most pressing current issue on my mind was whether or not it was really OK to keep your hands in the air during a roller coaster.  I think these are the type of kids that need to be tied to a chair and forced to watch several hours of Spongebob Squarepants to mellow them out a little bit.  After rejecting the second essay, I was seriously doubtful about whether the third essay would make it through the "Bizzaro-meter."

In the end, I let the third one slide even though it implied that the NFL was responsible for animal cruelty.

"What's This Big Square Thing?"

The following is an experience I had and documented earlier this year.  I posted it on my Facebook page, and my sister posted it on her blog:  http://gloriouscliche.wordpress.com/

"Most people in the older generations are under the strong impression that all of us in the new generation or pretty technology-savvy. Or at least computer-savvy. This has been one of my own strongly-held beliefs… until I took Management Information Systems this semester at USU. I’ve now realized that there is a large portion of the population that, when staring point-blank into a computer monitor, become at least three times as dumb as they normally are. Let me explain.

For anyone not familiar with MIS (Management Information Systems), the class itself is basically set up thus: it teaches you some basic principles of business management (specifically interacting in the Information Systems side of things), it covers basic and intermediate Microsoft Excel techniques, and touches a bit on web design. It really is very simple, or so I thought.

A perfect example of people freaking out in front of a computer happened today in class. Our professor told us he was going to go over some new Excel features that we hadn’t used before. Like ALWAYS, we’re required to start by opening up an excel file that has all the information on it so all we have to do is manipulate it the way we’re supposed to. So, the professor opens up the folder with all the files and explains that instead of only opening up one file, we would be opening up *GASP* FOUR files. After naming only two of them, a loud buzz falls over the classroom as people start freaking out before they’ve even opened up a file.

“Wait, which file is it?”

“I don’t see that one!”

“Is it this one?!”

“I still don’t… oh wait, here it is! Wait no, that’s not it!”

Ten hands go up before he even finishes telling us which files to open. In hopes of answering people’s questions in one shot rather than individually, he tells us that two of them are Text files, one is the excel file, and the fourth is an Access file. Unfortunately this just further confuses everyone since apparently no one knows what a text file is (even though we just finished creating HTML on Notepad) and everyone gets confused when they open it up (if they actually find it) and, heaven forbid, it’s NOT an excel file.

So while the professor has to go around and help half the class just find the files we need, I open up Solitaire and manage to win my first game before the professor makes it back up to the front of the classroom.

…

Okay. So we’ve finally found all the files, so we’re ready to start and blast through this thing right?

Step #1: Click on File > Save As… to save all the files to the desktop so we can find them easily when we need them later. Simple enough right?

While everyone is happily saving along, all of a sudden we hit another bump in the road. Uh oh, the read-only Access file doesn’t work like all the other ones!

Once the professor realizes this, he shows the simple solution up on the big screen. Solution: The “Save As…” button is in a different spot.

The familiar hum returns as people become confused. A different spot? Will it still save my file? Why is does it say this on the screen? How come my screen looks like an excel file and not an access file?

Just when the professor thinks everyone is on the same page, another hand goes up. “Uhm, my Access file didn’t save to the desktop!” Professor goes over to computer, and shows him *once again* where the right button is.

Wow, we haven’t even started working with our Excel file have we??? Ok, let’s get started. Step #2: Click this button, and choose this option and choose this text file that we just saved to the desktop to import the data.

Miraculously, everyone seems to be on the same page up to this point.

Ok, this box will come up. MAKE SURE THIS OPTION IS CHOSEN and then click Next, and you will see this box come up.

The hum returns as everyone starts talking and fifteen hands go up because a different box came up. It was quickly apparent that it was because the wrong option from the first box was highlighted, but he is forced to explain it individually fifteen times.

Just as he’s about to move on, (I’m really not making this up or just trying to throw out stereotypes) this blonde girl across the room shouts out that she still has no idea what files to save to the desktop.

On the bright side, I’m getting really good at Solitaire.”